Games based on movies are usually terrible and this is often because they are rushed out to coincide with a cinema release date. However there is a licensing nightmare even darker and more disturbing - games based on television programmes. These lazily pasted together cash-ins are churned out by greedy publishers. Just like movie tie-ins they are rushed out the door to hit the stores before the ratings die down on whatever television trash is topping the charts. Typically based on kid’s shows or mainstream TV they encourage sales through simple recognition and are often bought as gifts by people who don’t read game reviews. Here are the top ten biggest offenders, if you got one of these for your birthday or in a Christmas stocking you have my sincere sympathy.

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Play as the chipmunks and try to win the battle of the bands competition at Rockathonapalooza in this mindless rhythm based game. A bad rip off of music game mechanics which is completely broken and challenges you to match button presses or key strokes to coloured icons. Whatever you do the awful chipmunk’s renditions of well known songs keep assaulting your ears. This is one of those sub standard titles shovelled out the door which the developers have justified by saying it’s for kids. Well kids don’t deserve to have terrible games like this unleashed upon them.

American Idol
This is incredibly poor, a soulless board game style cash in with a dull repetitive rhythm mechanic, terrible graphics and lots of pointless content like new outfits. You can actually make money by doing charity events, there are only 21 songs and you can upload your own video made by piecing together unlocked content. The whole thing looks and sounds really shoddy with terrible voiceover acting and zero lasting appeal.

The Apprentice
It might make great television but how do you base a game on a show like this? Well in this case they squeezed together some basic mini-games and slapped into a box with Donald Trump’s scowling mug on the front. Each of the games looks like a cheap browser knock up which you wouldn’t spend more than five minutes on. I guess shovelling cheap rubbish like this on an unsuspecting public is how you get rich?

Cesar Millan’s Dog Whisperer
This is a horrible idea for a game. Learn how to train your dog by practicing on a bunch of virtual dogs in a series of badly made mini-games. It is extremely repetitive and really boring. Presumably this is supposed to appeal to fans of the show but they won’t learn anything here they can’t see on TV. It is sub-standard cash-in rubbish from Ubisoft.

Cold Case Files
This is like a badly made advert for the television show which actually opens with an advert for the television show. You click your way through just five short cases with no need for any form of investigation. This isn’t really a game at all and it never asks you to engage your brain. It has low production values, the design is extremely shoddy and this is like a poor version of the already poor CSI games.

Dancing with the Stars
How do you make ballroom dancing even less appealing? Make a bunch of wannabe celebrities try to perform routines and then judge them. The fad for this show has left me nonplussed but it definitely beats this awful game which features repetitive mini-games and badly modelled art. The game-play largely consists of piling up routines and watching a crude model badly animated attempt to perform them.

Grey’s Anatomy
A video game version of a hospital based soap opera this unlikely title is really just an interactive episode. There is no challenge to the mini-games which occasionally interrupt the endless cut scenes. Some of the mini-games are hilariously bad, flick away the doubts challenges you to get rid of the thought bubbles. The models look vaguely like their counterparts but they couldn’t get the actors to voice the game which will probably annoy fans of the show. I was about to say only hardcore fans should consider this but actually no-one should waste their money here.

Miami Vice
Why they suddenly decided to make and release a third-person shooter based on Miami Vice in 2004 is anyone’s guess. It doesn’t even tie in with the movie remake instead choosing to lift the plot from an old episode. This game is terrible, awkward controls, bad camera angles, low quality visuals, lazy design and dumb AI.

The Shield
One of the best cop shows in recent years The Shield was bound to spawn a videogame outing. You play as Vic in this badly made third-person shooter and have to embark on a series of missions in Farmington. You can search for drugs and weapons, shoot and chase people and even interrogate via a daft mini-game mechanic but none of it is as fun as it sounds. This is totally generic action game mush which is badly implemented and it feels cheap.

Survivor: The Interactive Game
The television series features a bunch of idiots on an island completing challenges and forming and breaking alliances in the hope of winning a big cash prize. There is no such justification for putting any time or effort into this awful game. This is incredibly ugly, full of bugs and has no discernible game-play.

Dishonourable mentions go to The Office, The Weakest Link, The Price is Right, MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch, Lost: Via Domus, Hell’s Kitchen, Farscape and Family Feuds. Every single one of them is an awful piece of trash designed to take advantage of fans of the shows by conning them or their gift buying loved ones. Would you buy a turd if it was wrapped in a box with a picture of your favourite show on the front? Well don’t buy any of these games then.