Hi, my name is [ANONYMOUS], and I am a Mafia Wars addict. I join with you, my fellow addicts, in reciting the 12 Steps to recovery, as follows:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our Mafia Wars activities - that our lives had become unmanageable. It was no longer just business - it was personal. Our personal hygiene had suffered from squinting into our computer screens too long to tear ourselves away long enough to shower, and our regular Facebook friends had all unfriended us because of too many Mafia Wars updates for our mafia peeps about whackings, vendettas, and help needed with jobs such as Frame a Rival Capo, Invade a Tong-Controlled Neighborhood, Wiretap the FBI, Repel the Yakuza, Steal an Air Freight Delivery, and Burn Down a Tenement - things like that.

2. Came to believe that a Don greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And that he would do so if we just let him "wet his beak" a little now and then.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Capo as we understood Him. That he would vault all of our collections for us and whack or sucker punch our enemies as necessary. For a fee, of course.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, as well as of our inventory of weapons, vehicles, loot, armor, and properties. And of course made sure we had at least one Chain Gun and Town Car for each member of our mafia.

5. Admitted to our Don, to ourselves, and to another Street Thug the exact nature of our wrongs, including our obsession with obtaining more and more Mega Casinos, 5-Star Hotels, and Mafia Mikes.

6. Were entirely ready to have our Don remove all these defects of character. For a fee of $45,000 or so, depending on how low our character had sunk. (To be used "sparingly" - wink, wink.)

7. Humbly asked Facebook to remove our Pink Slips, as well as those of everybody in our mafia.

8. Made a list of all persons we had whacked, robbed, or sucker punched, and become willing to make amends to them all by friending them on Facebook and adding them to our mafia (as long as we hadn't exceeded our daily allotment of invites), then giving them one choice item from their wish list, such as a Napalm, Gold Poker Chip, Stab Proof Vest, or Untraceable Cell Phone.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, by helping them vault their collections or giving them an extra Prop Plane, Pearl Cufflink, Porsche 911, or whatever they had on their wish list, except when to do so would injure them or other people in their mafia.

10. Continued to take personal inventory of our inventory, and, when we were short a few Firebombs, promptly admitted it to our Consigliere.

11. Sought through scratching our heads (or our balls, in some cases) to improve our conscious contact with the Don as we understood Him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. (In exchange for a Cezanne painting, two Concealable Cameras, and three Illegal Transaction Documents.)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other Mafia Wars addicts and to practice these principles in all our Facebook affairs. But it didn't work. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some robbing and fighting to do. And maybe buy another 10 Mega Casinos. I'd better check my properties, too, and restore any that may have been "damaged." Maybe send some Energy Packs to my mafia, too.

 

And THEN I can get back to the "real" work at my office job. And if I get caught? I won't admit a thing. Give 'em nothing, they GOT nothing, I always say.

Oh, and don't even get me started on Pirate Wars and Vampire Wars.